It was difficult not to provoke her. It was in my nature. What man in my shoes would not want to provoke her? She certainly provoked me. Mutual provocation in this situation was certainly a good thing, to a point. But we were swiftly approaching that place a part of neither of us wanted to go. Well, didn’t want to go might not be a fair statement. We both desperately wanted to go there in equal amounts, I thought. The place we ended up after that was the dilemma.
I did not think God was watching over us with a giant hammer raised in his right hand poised to smash us the moment we got out of line. I do believe God created the universe with a certain order. I believe there are consequences for actions that naturally flow from that. You don’t put your finger in boiling water and expect not to get scalded. You don’t walk out of the house on a windy, cold morning wearing only a light sweater and expect to stay comfortably warm. For a minute or two the cold may be exhilarating, but a couple of minutes after that and you’re miserable.
And I think there are similar tenets pertaining to relationships.
I do not mean to be esoteric, but there are soul ties that form between people in a relationship, in all relationships, on a spiritual/emotional level. A soul tie is not easily severed. Some callous persons hardly form them at all. God help the person who develops a soul tie with someone like that. I believe soul ties are why people have that empty feeling, as if they’ve given up a part of themselves that cannot be easily taken back, after a one night tryst, or especially after a succession of them. I had experienced that in my younger years. Round about my 30th birthday I realized I could not find satisfaction in the way I was living. There had to be more to life. I began to look for truth, a bedrock I could anchor the foundation of my life on.
My college buddies, knowing how I handled myself in those days, don’t understand how I could have dated my wife for a year and not consummated the relationship. I would like to say that because we waited, the honeymoon was otherworldly. Not quiet. But the love and trust we developed through our courtship could not be questioned. It formed a foundation for a most marvelous marriage. We raised 2 wonderful children.
And then she died. Because I had no regrets or doubts about my marriage, I believe I was able to move on. When I arrived in heaven I wanted to hear her say I did well after she was gone. Her passing was the end of an era in my life, but it was also the beginning of a new one.
Somehow, our family had prospered immensely even during the time of my wife’s illness. A testament to God’s goodness all the time. I waited in eager expectation to see what God would do next.
And here it was. And what a next! My girlfriend’s heart was as beautiful as her physical attributes. I was ready, wanting, and willing for the next step. Was this God’s will? Was this who I would spend my second act with? I certainly wanted it to be.
As if standing on that train trestle when I was a little boy, trying to get the gumption to step out into thin air, risking my life, only for the thrill of falling a brief moment before plunging deep into the green depths of that swirling river, I wondered if untethering our mutual attraction was worth it.
The sentiment, the rush of emotion, may have been similar but the consequences would be different. I wanted my girlfriend to know I was the kind of man who could be trusted in any circumstance. I wanted her to have no doubts that when we were apart I would be faithful. I wanted her to know that I loved and respected her not just in the usual sense, but immensely.
But the thrill, the rush of her soft caress, to take our physical attraction to its ultimate conclusion, would be so sweet, so delicious. Dare I? Would it be worth it? What then, after the act?
Regardless, could we resist even if we continued to try ever so hard? I was reminded of the scripture that says, we are able to do all things through Christ who strengthens us. And that there is no temptation so strong that God can’t provide a way for us to resist.
God, help me! A big part of me wanted to say consequences be damned, but another part that knew, knew for certain that waiting was the right thing to do, shouted equally as loud.
And now she walks into the room. The way her blouse drapes over her large firm breasts, her stretch jeans tight against her slim waist and luscious hips, the provocation is almost complete.
There is a wisp of a thought, “Do not provoke me woman!” that I hardly hear or pay attention to.
I pray another silent prayer, “Lord help me!” as I stand to give her a welcoming kiss.